yes to this.
“WHAT?! Halloween is this weekend? I had no idea! What am I going to do? I’d better get my big stupid head out of my big stupid ass!”
Guess who that was. Give up? It was you. I know, I’m really good at impressions.
So you haven’t picked out a costume yet and you’re afraid it’s too late? Never fear! I have compiled this list of cheap and easy costume ideas for those of you who waited until the last minute. Feel free to use any of these. All I ask is that you send me a check for five dollars, or at least tell all your friends that I am handsome.
- A good costume to wear in these hipster times is Ironic You. This is someone who dresses exactly like you, but does so ironically. Put on your favorite sweater and say, “Isn’t this sweater lame? It’s so bad it’s great.” Talk about movies you like. “The Royal Tenenbaums? That’s the worst. That makes it the best!”
- Another great costume is Person Who Ignores Everyone Because She’s Listening To Her IPod. Wear headphones that lead into your pocket. Cut in line at the keg. When someone taps you on the shoulder and tells you you’re cutting, make a gesture that says, “I can’t hear you. I’m listening to my iPod.” Smile and nod at everyone. Tell people how much you love Matt & Kim.
- Everybody wants to be a sexy something for Halloween — like a sexy vampire or a sexy umpire — but you know what I think is sexy? TAKING A STAND AGAINST DOMESTIC ABUSE. So, do something with that, maybe.
- Whatever you do, DON’T go as Zombie Michael Jackson, because no matter how much work you put into it, there’s going to be five guys at the party in better Zombie Michael Jackson costumes. Remember last year how every guy was the Joker and every girl was either Sarah Palin or Sexy Sarah Palin? That’s what it’s going to be like this year with Zombie Michael Jackson. It’s going to be like that scene in Being John Malkovich when Malkovich goes through the tunnel and ends up in a restaurant full of Malkoviches. It’s going to be like that with Zombie Michael Jackson. “But in the Thriller video—” Yeah, I know, I get it. Listen: do yourself a favor. Go as Zombie Bea Arthur instead.
- Go as the person who’s too cool to dress up for Halloween. Make fun of other people’s costumes as viciously as possible, then say, ”I don’t really feel that way; I just have to stay in character.”
- Wear all one color. Maybe red or yellow. When no one’s watching, surreptitiously sip a large glass of water, and keep the water in your mouth. Go to to a large group of people having a conversation and quietly join the circle. When the timing feels right, spit out your water on someone. Yay fire hydrant!
- Or wear all brown and proclaim, “I’m a Hallo-weenie!” If people do not laugh at your joke, say it again, louder. Maybe they didn’t hear you the first time. Maybe they are deaf. Say it in sign language. If they still do not laugh, they probably just don’t get it. Man, this party’s full of losers.
- Go to a Halloween party in normal clothes and say you’re a surfer dude. If someone asks why you aren’t dressed for surfing, say “Why would I go surfing in October? At night? At a halloween party?” Then say, “Idiot.”
- Here’s a similar idea that really packs a wallop: go as a member of the KKK when not at a rally. Again, this requires no actual costume aside from what you’re actually wearing that day. Someone might come up to you and say, “What’s so scary about that? You look just like anybody else.” Reply: “You just answered your own question.”
- Or you could be a robot from the future trying to pass as a twenty-first century human. Dress in normal clothes and talk like how a robot would think a person would talk. Or don’t! Whatever!
- Here’s something: take a trip down memory lane and put on some clothes you haven’t worn for weeks. Say, ”I’m September Me. I’m just like Now Me, except I happened a month ago.” Pretend you don’t know anyone that you’ve met since September. Make lots of cultural references to September, like, “Don’t you love that Patrick Swayze’s still alive?” or “I haven’t given up on Glee yet!” or “I’mma let you finish, but September is the best month of all time! OF ALL TIME!”
- Go as your roommate! This is super easy; just ask your roommate if you can borrow some clothes. Then after the party, he’ll say, “Hey, can I get my clothes back?” and you’ll say, “Yeah, I’m just going to wash them for you,” then NEVER GIVE THEM BACK! Ha ha, suck on that, roommate.
Hey guys! Raphael is here to solve your Halloween costume problems for good.